Remember N, my other Socio friend? We were talking today about my breakup with my dear S and N asked me a tough question...
N: Why do you want to be with someone who will ultimately use and abandon you?
Me: Believe it or not, I really do love him, Sociopath and all. I know him better than anyone and I still love him exactly for who he is. It's unconditional. And because I have never been happy with anyone else.
I know that my S has some serious issues. I know that he doesn't love the way I do. I know he doesn't process things the same way I do. We see and feel life differently. I don't really think either of our ways are the right way.
Wouldn't a hybrid socio/empath be so perfect?
I know he has cheated on me and lied to me. I am a smart person and I am not easily fooled. And I know my S really really well, so it's easy for me to sense when he's lying. I just chose to go along with his lies because I knew it was more peaceful to let him be than to question him. Now, mind you, I haven't always had that kind of control, it's been a learned quality of mine. I have confronted him multiple times, but I always ended up more emotionally battered in the end.
Honestly, the ONLY part that bothers me about it is that I could have easily gotten a horrible disease from him because of his escapades. I know that my S loves/loved me and what he did was independent of that fact. It had nothing to do with me and it was not done against me, but still I'm glad to be disease free right now.
Some of you will think I'm completely nuts and that's fine. I might be. Maybe I have been trained too well by my dear S.
The fact of the matter is I love my S with all of my heart. And I highly doubt that if anyone else knew everything about him that they would extend the same unconditional love. Most people would run the other way and some of them have. That actually scares me for him, because I worry that he will never again really be loved for who he is...only for the person he is currently pretending to be.
You can only be loved to the extent that you are known. Empath or Sociopath alike. I think even Socios want to be loved for the real person they are. Maybe not all of you, but a large number of you. It has to be nice to take the mask off once in a while and be who you really are.
I do love you my sweet S. More than you'll probably ever be able to understand.
There are Es who are not off the chart. There's a whole spectrum, ranging right up to an S categorization, so it sounds like you would be best off finding someone in that gray area. You will NEVER find any sort of lasting happiness with a S. Never. A true S does not love. They might be vaguely grateful or appreciate having a servant around, but they will never love you. By twisting their casual and utility-based attachments into "love", you are bastardizing the word beyond recognition.
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