Sunday, July 7, 2013

My S (part 3)

So, as I said I had convinced myself that I was happy with the new bf. I wasn't, but I could have been. I am a faithful and loyal person and I would have made it work, but I knew that no one would ever replace my S. And I didn't want anyone to. This place in my heart has and always will belong to my S.

I wrote a letter to my S while he was in prison. I told him that I was praying for him, I was sorry to hear he was there and that I was still his friend. 

I never mailed it.

It seemed silly to me to want to reach out to him while he was in his darkest hour and I honestly didn't feel that he would even want to hear from me.

Then his mother contacted me and asked for my address. My S wanted to apologize to me and she wanted to know if she could give him my info. At first I told her no. I knew that hearing from him would cause me to go into a tailspin again. But the curiosity in me became stronger than my reason and I agreed,

My sweet S wrote to me that he was sorry for what had happened between us and he wanted to be friends. And that someday when he was out he wanted to tell me what really happened. He knew he had never given me closure and he wanted to provide it to me now.

I was mad. My darling S was only writing to me because he was on lock down. I doubt he would have tried if he was still in the land of the living. 

But I still cherished it. We wrote back and forth for a while. His mother passed away while he was in prison and I was with her just two hours before she died. I had stayed close to his family even after our breakup years ago and I felt his family to be my family.

It killed me that he couldn't be with her at the end. I nearly drove the five hours to see him immediately after her passing because I just wanted to hold my S and love him. An S may not have the same capacity to love as my little emotional E feelings give me, but I knew he loved his mother...and I knew he was hurting.

This sent my feelings for my dear S into overdrive. I broke up with the new bf almost instantly and never looked back.

Our correspondence picked up quite a bit after that.

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