Tuesday, July 9, 2013

My S (part 5)

We made it through that time. My S came to see me the week after my birthday and everything was back to normal. He was hiding his activities from me and I was ignorantly in bliss. And for a time after that, things seemed to be on the right track again.

I flew out to see him every 3-4 weeks and we always had fun. We loved each other and everyone knew it.

Not long ago, I relocated out of state for a job, which put me only five hours from my sweet S, as opposed to the 13 we had between us before. I was happy that I would be able to see my darling S more often.

I had a hard time transitioning with my move. I don't know people in my new city and I am isolated from friends and family. I needed and started depending on my S more and more. And he resented that. I didn't know it then , but I realize it now.

A friend of mine from the city where my S lives called one night to tell me he would be in my town for the 4th of July, which I was not. We will call this friend J.

J: Hey, did you know that your S is out of prison?
Me: Yes, I heard that. How did you know?
J: I saw him at the casino last week. Damn, that guy is a boss, how does he already have a girlfriend fresh out of the joint?
Me: Why do you think he as a girlfriend (I thought he was going to say he knew about me and my S).
J: He was sitting with an asian girl, a dealer that works there and they were holding hands.
Me: Weird. Did you go over and say hi?
J: NO, I thought it might be awkward to interrupt them, they were really lovey dovey, she was touching his face and I felt weird going over there especially is he didn't remember me.

Heartbreak again.

I go to see my S for the 4th of July and while I am there I ask him about asian chick. He says nothing is going on. But I should also mention that in the three weeks leading up to my going to see my dear S, he had been non existent as he was a few years ago, so I already knew something was up.

He comes up with a grand story about how he is friends with people at the casino but isn't seeing anyone else, he promises it is just me in his life. When I ask if we can go to the casino then, he says no and then goes so far to say that he had a minor altercation with another player at the casino and he has to take a break from going there for a while.

My S says that he has emotional things going on that I wouldn't understand and that's why he has needed his space. He again promises that there is no one but me.

Sounds familiar, right?

He knows I don;t believe him but we put a band aid on our relationship for the weekend and we decide to enjoy each other while I am there. I am very visibly upset on my last morning there. So much so that I can hardly speak. I know this is the end. I know that when I leave, our patched up weekend is over and I will lose my wonderful S all over again.

J called last night to tell me that he is at the casino and he is looking right at my S. I ask what my S is doing and J tells me that he's with his girlfriend again, they are holding hands and gazing into each others eyes.

My stomach drops. This is it.

I text my S and tell him I want to talk to him. He says he is unavailable, so I ask when he will be available. He calls instantly wanting to know whats going on. My S knows something is up. I tell him I want to talk to him when he has some time.

He calls an hour or so later and I end it with my S. It isn't worth bringing up the asian chick again. I know he will have another story. And I know he would rather be with her right now. I have become boring to him and too much work. She is the new toy and I can't compete with her for now.

So, I let my S go. I tell him that I love him with all my heart and that I don't want to lose him but that I know he doesn't want me anymore. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. My inclination as an E makes me want to hold on to him as tightly as possible, but I know it will do no good.

I am sad. I love my S. I would take him back in an instant. Not because I don't value myself, because I actually do. I just know that he isn't intentionally hurting me. He's lying to keep me from knowing what he's done, because in his way he is protecting me. And I know that his new toy has nothing to do with me. I am just the old comfortable toy who has lost her luster for now.

You'll be back my dear S, because you know that I know you better than anyone else and still love you. I see the best in you and admire you for even the worst.

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