How to Get Your Sociopath Back: Step Two - Pull Yourself Together

Hello my dear little E's. I hope you are doing well on your journey of No Contact with your S.

Let's be real, you're probably a hot mess right now, which leads me to the next step in the process of winning the affection of your S.

You have got to get it together. Literally.

First things first, get your ass in the shower and out of your pajamas. Fix your hair, get your makeup to look perfect (men: shave that damn beard or at least clean up your neck), wear something you know you look good in, not just today, but everyday during this journey.

See, doesn't that feel better just to think about brushing that three days worth of morning breath and getting into a hot shower?

Here's a couple of things I want you to work on over the next few days:

1. Get a new haircut (or hair color) if you can afford it.
If you can't afford it, come up with a new hairstyle. You have plenty of free time without your S, so scour pinterest and come up with some great ideas and get to work!

2. Get yourself a journal that will be specific to this journey of reclaiming your S.

• On the first page, I want you to write down at least 10 of your good qualities. You can have more, but you must have at least 10. (examples: I am an amazing artist/musician; I have really pretty blue eyes, etc) I want you to be proud of who you are. Them read it out loud to yourself everyday, there is a lot of power in your words. You need confidence and your S will be more attracted to a confident and freshly showered version of you.
• Next, write down as much of your story with your S as you can. How it all started, when you knew you loved him/her, the good and bad things that happened throughout the course of your relationship, what he/she did to hurt you, what your S said to you repeatedly. All of it. Chronicle it as much as possible. Then when you are done, read it back to yourself, out loud.
• Whenever you feel angry, sad, hopeless, put it in your journal. Your friends might be sick to death of hearing you talk about how depressed and lonely you are. Put it in the book. And as mentioned before, read it out loud to yourself afterward.

Again, no contact with your S. None. Now get started.

Why You Can't Let Go and How to Try

You met your S, you fell in love, everything seemed perfect, he/she was everything you ever dreamed (and more), you were happier than you had ever been...

Then your S disappeared or perhaps wasn't as good at hiding things anymore and you found out the truth.

You got angry, you couldn't believe this was happening, your dreams were dashed, you were furious, you were confused...

But ultimately, you just wanted your S back.

I get it. I've been there.

Your S became everything that he/she knew you wanted and needed. your vulnerabilities were exposes and manipulated to the extreme. You can;t help but think that you will never be happy with anyone else the way you were happy with your S.

And that's probably true.

And that is the key to why it is so hard to let go. You remember the good times.

So how do you get past this?

1. Recognize that the person you knew doesn't really exist.
2. Figure out why you don't believe you are worth anything (and this is a big one, especially if your S has stolen from you, put your life or your child's life in danger, etc.
3. Do something for you.Join a gym, take up a hobby, go out with friends. Get your mind off of the situation.
4. Write down all the things your S did to you and read them out loud to yourself. Imagine that a friend told you this exact story about them, what would your advice be to them? Take it.
5. Give it time: Time truly does heal all wounds. Take it a day at a time, or a week at a time.
6. Don't make major life decisions while you are hurt.
7. Trust yourself.
8. See a professional counselor/therapist who knows about sociopaths.
9. Do not for any reason contact your S. You will look needy. Let it go and hold onto the little shred of dignity you have. Use a mediator or a lawyer to communicate if you must.

My blog is specifically dedicated to my S, how I handle things with him and why I choose to stay with him.

But I realize not everyone has that option. I have gotten tons of questions from you all asking how to get past your hurt, so this is for you.

Good luck and Godspeed my dear E's.

Are you the Perfect Target?

I am a fan of the following blog, it seems to offer good resources for those dealing with psycho/socio/narc behavior. I do have another post that talks about being easy prey for a Socio, but I find the following list from Thomas Sheridan to be even more comprehensive. Does this sound like you?

Are You the Perfect Target for a Psychopath?

• Do you feel incomplete without a ‘soul mate’?

• Do you hide a sense of low self-esteem or hurt behind an outgoing and confident exterior due to a past emotional trauma that you keep to yourself?

• Do you believe that there is ‘someone special’ out there just for you and do you let people know what kind of person this would be?

• Do you believe in ‘love at first sight'?

• Do you have a large disposable income?

• Are you generally independent and self-supporting?

• Do you have any special talent or ability which may bring you fame and wealth one day?

• Do you think deeply about everyone and everything except yourself?

• Are you a single parent longing for a completed family?

• Are you the kind of person who would get out of your car to help an elderly or handicapped person with their groceries?

• Did you lose a young child, or are you presently estranged from your children due to divorce or do you have a deep-rooted unfulfilled desire to raise and nurture a child of your own?

• Do you always give other people the benefit of the doubt at first?

• Are you humbly unaware of your own special talents and abilities?

• Are you an educated recent immigrant with a degree or professional background and not yet fully aware of all the subtle cultural intricacies of your newly adopted country?

• Are you living alone in a house in which the mortgage is fully paid off?

• Do you have a strong desire to love and be loved?

• Do you have a history of rescuing stray and injured animals?

• Did you have a parent who was an alcoholic or a drug addict?

• Are you very sensitive to emotional external stimuli, such as hearing certain music, or viewing a certain art work which can bring you to tears?

• Were you in the military as a young person?

• Did one or both of your parents die when you were a child or were you raised in a foster home or orphanage?

• Were you abused, neglected, unloved by a parent/parents as a child?

• Are you financially responsible, solvent and secure, such as a stable employment position/regular long-term pay cheque with a government pension/full military pension?

• Do you believe there is a hidden force which affects your life to some degree and do you embrace this concept?

• Are you recently widowed, divorced or currently in a difficult relationship?

• When you are hurt emotionally, is it a deep, intense hurt?

Lying to Protect the Innocent.

Recently, my S and I had a conversation about secrets. Probably the biggest challenge that we face as an S+E couple is that he likes to keep secrets and I like to know things.

Not just things about him or what he's doing, mind you. In the same way that most people like to hear Hollywood gossip or those who frequently pull out their iphone to google a movie fact. I like having knowledge and information at my fingertips in an instant.

My dear S does not ascribe to the same idea as I do. He doesn't care to tell anyone his information and unless it can help him in some way, he doesn't really care to know the business of others either.

I have a lot of questions for my S, for a couple of reasons:
1. I like learning more about sociopathic behavior and he is my accessible real life case study.
2. I like to know what's going on in his life. (Yes, partially because there is a side of me that wonders why he still does some of the things he does).

During this conversation, I was asking him why he constantly shuts his phone off entirely when we are together. It isn't something he used to do, so the new behavior has me curious as to what he could be hiding from me. His response was that I am the person he most talks to/texts so when we a re together he doesn't need his phone on.

Come on.

Being the nosy little E I can sometimes be, I asked more questions: but what if your dad or another family member needed to reach you for an emergency and your phone is off? What if your PO is trying to reach you and thinks you have skipped town? Do you have people calling or texting that you don't want me to know about?

Little my dear E's, don;t do what I do (did). It irritated him and I never got the answers to my questions. The only thing I got was that he doesn't tell me things sometimes simply to protect me. Protect me from what I wonder...being emotionally hurt if one of his current conquests calls or texts him...being in legal trouble...etc etc.

Who knows. But I wonder if all Socios say or think the same way. They know they are doing things that could potentially hurt themselves but they don't see any reason to needlessly involve other people or potentially injure the innocent.

Why a Socio Will Always Cheat

Remember my Sociopath friend, N? We had an interesting email exchange not too long ago. He sent me a link to an article that he knew I would like and we started an exchange about Socios and why they cheat on their partners. Here's what went down.

Empath Queen:
Do you do it because you get bored? Do you remember having the conversation with me when I said that I would be ok with my husband/boyfriend sleeping with other people as long as he was using a condom and not potentially bringing a disease home to me and not creating relationships with these people? Just sex. Nothing else. I am reading that a lot of ASPD/Socio/Narc seem to think this is a great idea, however, they say they would still rather pretend to be exclusive with each of the people they are in a "relationship" with. That's interesting...even when given a way out of monogamy, they would still prefer to live the lie.

N:
I think some of it is boredom. In large part it's sincere though - I just get strong impulses and crave sex from a particular woman I may have discarded or at least put on the backburner. Sometimes they give it to me, sometimes they don't.

The impulse can last for a few minutes to a few weeks.

Also ASPD and sociopathy aren't synonymous.

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/antisocial-personality-disorder/psychopathy-and-antisocial-personality-disorder-case-diagnostic-confusion-0

In fact, I'm still not even clear on the division between sociopathy and psychopathy... in DSM-IV they're synonymous but the DSM is generally acknowledged as crap. Mixed usage among other resources

I see what you're saying, but that's probably not the way a sociopath would see it. It's about dominance and control - "I" can cheat and fuck whoever I want, but my partner can't

Also the "open relationship" you're describing sounds nice. No doubt if a woman would offer me that, I would probably stay with her (assuming she interests and attracts me otherwise of course) for a long time.

But you can't put much faith in the sustainability of that. A real psychopath isn't going to care about the caveats (wear a condom; don't form a relationship; etc.)

They may tell you they are abiding by the rules, but at the end of the day, psychopaths abhor rules and feel above them - no matter where the rules are coming from.

I think the thing to note here in all its fullness is that no matter what you do (myself included), there will never be monogamy in your relationship with your S. No matter how hard you or they try. Their impulse seems to always be stronger than any sort of attachment they may have to you. Just some food for though my dearies.
Oh, and just to clarify,  I don't think that socios/psychos/narcs and any other personality disorder are the same thing. I just find that the traits overlap to some extent so I tend to group them together from time to time when talking about a topic that I see overlapping in each disorder.

Book Review: Psychopath Free

I like to read about the encounters others have had with a Sociopath/Psychopath/Narcissist/Bi-Polar/ASPD and the many many other types of personality disorders there are out there. I don't know if it's because there's a part of me that wants to know how they finally overcame the relationship or because I am just slightly obsessed with these types of things.

Probably a little of both.

At any rate, I downloaded Psychopath Free, by a person who simply refers to themselves as "Peace". The book is only mildly interesting. I found that it focused mainly on blaming the psycho (general term here) for everything that happened and generalizes way too much. The author assumes that every empath goes through the same healing process and monsterizes psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists more than necessary in order to deflect from the empath taking any responsibility for their actions.

I got quite an eyeful from other reviewers after I posted my review on Amazon. So many comments accusing me of not knowing what it's really like and again victimizing themselves for what someone else did to them.

Look, I get it. socios can be damaging for a multitude of reasons. But never looking within to see why you were such an easy prey is a far more crippling issue. You can be the victim for the rest of your life or you can learn from the mistakes you've made, pick yourself up and find true happiness from within and be stronger the next time a relationship presents itself.

I didn't like the book and I would really hesitate to recommend it to anyone looking to find healing.

Online Test: Are you a Sociopath?

I have seen a few online self tests and find this to be the most comprehensive if you are interested in either taking the test for yourself or you want to vicariously take the test for your S (or supposed S).

Self Test: Antisocial, Psychopathy and Narcissistic and Histronic Personality Disorders

Sociopaths: Why We Love to Hate Them

Empaths are notorious for wanting to blame circumstances in their loves on someone else, and while we're at it, so are Sociopaths, but for different reasons.

E's are hyper sensitive, emotional, co-dependent, whiny individuals who like to not only dump their trash (ie: emotions) onto other people. It makes them feel better to have someone to share their pain with.

This is why it is so easy for so many Empath's to blame everything on a Socio. Heck, a lot of E's start saying their ex was a Socio without there ever being real evidence of that or even a hint of a diagnosis. It's become a popular trendy term for Empaths to use to try and make themselves look less stupid for getting hurt.

Socio's become the dumping ground for your failures as a person. And every E is looking for a scapegoat so they don't have to take responsibility for their failures or their life in general.

Settle down, E's, stop getting your feelings hurt, I'm actually going somewhere with this.

It's easier to blame your issues and problems on another person. Especially an S. We all know that they are selfish and uncaring. Your S probably used you to get money, a job, a place to live, access to a higher social status, and on and on. They are predators. You were prey.

But.

Maybe, just maybe you have some issues of your own that were the cause of you allowing your S to take advantage of you.

Most E's lack in self worth. They think they are ugly, stupid and they KNOW they are emotionally a lot to handle. So when you find a lovely S who tells you everything you ever wanted to ear and puts your fears to rest, it becomes like a drug. You want to hold onto this feeling forever, so you do whatever it takes to keep them. You mortgage your house, you co-sign on a lease, you buy them a car, you support them. All because you don;t want to be alone.

So, it's fine. Blame your Socio a little. But before you go down the victim path too far, figure out why it is that YOU have the problems you have. Deal with them.

Blaming your S will not help you.It will make you look foolish for not letting it go. And let's face it, if they've left you, they don't give a damn about what you think about them anyway.

Move on. Figure out what YOU need to do and stop trying to change your S. Either appreciate them exactly for who they are or walk the hell away and fix yourself.

What You Can Learn from a Socio.

Socios are incredibly talented, intellectual, charming and conning. Their traits are a combination of the best things in life, all wrapped up into one.

An S is unstoppable. They don't care what anyone else thinks.

So, how can you apply some of these characteristics to your life as an emotionally drained and raining Empath?

• Stop caring what others think about you. If you have a dream, idea, vision, hope...DO IT. With reckless abandon. 
• Become obsessed with the above until you see it come to fruition.
• Looking for a job? Fake it until you make it. Display a level of confidence you don;t have. Trust me.
• Stop taking things to heart. So, your best friends husband said you've gained a lot of weight. Who the hell cares? Who is he to you?
• Make yourself as visually appealing as possible.
• Study people. Figure out who they respond to situations, how they handle stress, use this as a way to communicate properly with them. You'll get along great with everyone.
• Stop always doing things to make other people happy. You are the first person that needs to be taken care of before you possibly think about caring for anyone else. Love yourself, be a little selfish.

A Song Dedication to the Socios.

Pretty sure this song was written to a Socio. Enjoy.

How to: Be in a romantic relationship with a Socio.

You're an empath. You love a Sociopath. Happens all the time.

You want to find out how to keep your S happy? Well, now this may differ slightly based on your own personal S...but here's what I have learned from my dear sweet S:

1. Be as low maintenance as possible. Socio's like drama, but only if they create it. They do not want you to create drama for them. It stresses them out. 
2. Don't get boring. This means that you absolutely cannot give up all of your secrets right away. I know, I know, they ask a lot of questions and they want to devour all info you can present them with. But. If you do, they will quickly tire of you. Change it up. Don't be the same person all the time. Keep them guessing, be mysterious and they'll stick around longer.
3. Don't get confrontational and for God's sake, DO NOT accuse them of anything. Your S is lying to you. I know it, you know it, your friends probably know it. But your S? He needs to think you have no idea. The moment you start accusing and trying to show proof, they will get angry. They will deny it, no matter how good your proof is. If you can't handle not confronting him, then you don;t deserve to be in a relationship with an S.
4. Keep your co-dependency to a minimum.Now this is a tricky one. You're an E, you want attention, you want ooey gooey feelings from your S...and for the most part you will get those. In fact, you will get astonishingly high amounts of it at the beginning. But when they feel like you are getting parasitical, co-dependent and needy, they will want to run. They have seduced you a little too well and it sickens them how easy you were.
5. Be as sexy and alluring as possible. Give it up even when you don't feel like it...but make it interesting!! Role playing is key with an S...they love to pretend to be someone else. Give them the chance to do it with you. And make it as risque and filthy as possible. Lots of oral. Trust me.
6. Worship them. No, I don't mean literally, so banish the images of golden calves and start applying this rule. They like to hear how great and wonderful they are. How sexy you think they are, ho they are far more intelligent than anyone you have ever known in your life. Adoration is key. Your S has become who they perceive you want, so let them know they are doing a damn good job.

Good luck little minions and let me know how this works out for you or if you have any other ideas for this list. 

xoxo,

Empath Queen

How to: Hurt a Sociopath

Slow down, this is not a creepy post about how to murder anyone. But if you have the urge to go out and start getting even with the S's in your life, here's a little handy guide.

Disclaimer: You will probably not ever really hurt an S. They will hurt you first. They are smarter, faster and stronger than you could ever hope to be. And you would have ti apply this at just the right moment in order for it to have any bearing at all.

Leave them.

And the only way this will work is if your S is still infatuated with you. If you're past that stage, you're out of luck, unless you think you can bring them back in. And if you can do that, you might just be smarter than I gave you credit for little E's.

Your S needs to be in control of the relationship, so the moment they realize they aren't, it will physically make them feel sick and grasp to keep you. This is where you cannot turn back. Change your #, change your name, move out of state, whatever it takes. But do not re-initiate contact with them.

Otherwise, you've lost the game.

Now, mind you, your S won;t hurt for long. At least not as long as we think they should, so rejoice in your little victory my dears and look out for the next S on the horizon.

Why do Sociopaths lie?

There's an easy answer to this question my fellow empaths. For the same reason that you and I lie.

It's like when a friend asks you to go out to dinner and you don't want like hanging out with this friend or maybe even like them in general...but you would NEVER say that to their face....but instead of saying that, you say that you just want to stay home, or don't feel like going out.

That same night, you go out with a different friend and the aforementioned friend shows up. You've been caught. So you lie again and say that it just came up or you forgot that you had already made plans, etc etc. All to avoid hurting said person.

Maybe it's because you might want to hang out with this person at some point, so you don't want to completely burn the bridge. Or you just know it will genuinely hurt them to say that you don't enjoy their company so it's easier to just avoid the confrontation.

How is this any different than a Socio lying to you for the same reasons? True, they may not be entirely concerned about your feelings, but they do know that they exist, so if there's a chance they want you in the future for anything, they need to keep the peace.

Or we lie because we don't want to face the consequences of something. Let's say you steal money from your work because you need to pay your electric bill. It's not right, but you justify it because you have a legitimate need. And you get caught. I would venture to say that most of us would lie and say it was a mistake or come up with some other excuse why the money was missing.

Again, no different than a Socio stealing from you. We just justify things differently.

In many ways we are no different from an S...and yet so different.

Why no two Socios are alike.

I've posted about the basic overview of ASPD/Sociopaths here and here and a checklist you can use to somewhat identify if you think are one or might know one.

But the truth is that all of this will never fully explain an S to you. Every S has certain qualities that help to define them as an S, but not every one will add up. Most things don;t really add up with an S anyway. You never know who you're getting from day to day anyway.

I know my dear S very well because I have studied him intensely. My S isn't violent, nor has my S ever tried to scam me out of money. That's not to say that he hasn't used me for purposes of covering up who he is to his family and his boss, but no monetary gain ever came from a relationship with me.

If you have been in a relationship with an S who did take you for all your money or left you high and dry with a bunch of credit card bills, I do feel bad for you...and hopefully you were really duped by your S and you didn't just freely offer up the info.

My sweet S has however used my weaknesses against me, not that I minded. I am well aware of my weaknesses and they aren't even that bad. I need to be told that I am loved and cherished. I need that attention. Other than that, I don't require much from the person I love. I don't need the gifts or the acts of service, I just need to be told that you love me and you are happy to be with me. I don't have kids, I don't have a ton of debt. I'm very loving, caring and generous. I'm attractive, in shape and a dang good woman.

But, back to my weakness, my dear S knew this is what I needed, so he provided it to me when it suited him and he took it away when it suited him to do so or when he was in the process of "training" me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that your S is different than my S. You can;t compare the two, and reading about all of the escapades of another person's S will only further take you into a black hole of depression because you will start assuming that your S did all the things their S did.

Be smarter than that. Either accept your S for who they are...or move on. It's really that easy.

Why I love my Socio

Remember N, my other Socio friend? We were talking today about my breakup with my dear S and N asked me a tough question...

N: Why do you want to be with someone who will ultimately use and abandon you?

Me: Believe it or not, I really do love him, Sociopath and all. I know him better than anyone and I still love him exactly for who he is. It's unconditional. And because I have never been happy with anyone else.

I know that my S has some serious issues. I know that he doesn't love the way I do. I know he doesn't process things the same way I do. We see and feel life differently. I don't really think either of our ways are the right way.

Wouldn't a hybrid socio/empath be so perfect?

I know he has cheated on me and lied to me. I am a smart person and I am not easily fooled. And I know my S really really well, so it's easy for me to sense when he's lying. I just chose to go along with his lies because I knew it was more peaceful to let him be than to question him. Now, mind you, I haven't always had that kind of control, it's been a learned quality of mine. I have confronted him multiple times, but I always ended up more emotionally battered in the end.

Honestly, the ONLY part that bothers me about it is that I could have easily gotten a horrible disease from him because of his escapades. I know that my S loves/loved me and what he did was independent of that fact. It had nothing to do with me and it was not done against me, but still I'm glad to be disease free right now.

Some of you will think I'm completely nuts and that's fine. I might be. Maybe I have been trained too well by my dear S.

The fact of the matter is I love my S with all of my heart. And I highly doubt that if anyone else knew everything about him that they would extend the same unconditional love. Most people would run the other way and some of them have. That actually scares me for him, because I worry that he will never again really be loved for who he is...only for the person he is currently pretending to be.

You can only be loved to the extent that you are known. Empath or Sociopath alike. I think even Socios want to be loved for the real person they are. Maybe not all of you, but a large number of you. It has to be nice to take the mask off once in a while and be who you really are.

I do love you my sweet S. More than you'll probably ever be able to understand.

How to: Handle a Sociopath

My S used to make jokes about "training" people all the time. He liked to try and help people to become what he thought they should be. And for the most part, who he wanted them to be was a better version of themselves. He was good at it and as he says , he was "changing lives".

If you are an E and you love an S and want to keep your S happy, here are a few pointers for how to "manage" them. You will not get them to change, but it will help you to stop the arguing and help you to deal better with the ways of a true S and to enjoy who your S truly is.

• Don't accuse them of anything. An S does not like to be confronted or accused of anything they have done. Even if it's refutable and true, they will deny it. Accusing them only makes them angry (or amused), which will only frustrate you.
• Don't share your personal experiences with your S with anyone. Not their family, not your friends and definitely not friends of your S. They like to keep private things private and if they have allowed you into their secretive world, they expect you to keep everything to yourself.
• Don't start drama. If you are fighting with your S, refer to #2. Don't go around telling people. Your S will find out, they are smart and they know exactly what an E will do. If you start drama, you look stupid and they get angry. 
• Don't demand anything of an S. They like to be in control. Always. You may think you are standing up for your manhood or womanhood, but in reality, you are trying to get some control because you are scared to lose your S. Find a way to suggest something you want your S to do or do for you and make it seem like their idea.
• Have lots of sex. An S loves sex and they don;t care all the time who it comes from. So put out as much as possible and do your best not to freak out if you find out your S has been with someone else. It has nothing to do with you not does it mean your S doesn't love you.
• Role play with your S. One of the coolest and scariest things about an S is that they can become anything that want to be. They like to have the choice of different lives, so cater to that. Change up who you are so that they are constantly guessing. It will keep the attention of your S.
• Take care of yourself. You are not the most important person to your S, they are the most important person in their lives. They will love you, even for just a time, but when they leave, you cannot fall apart. You have to start taking care of yourself now.

Socios and Prostitutes.

I have a friend, N, who is also a socio, like my S. He and I get each other. He thinks it's amusing that I am a super, hyper sensitive Empath and also charming that I find his socio ways fascinating. We truly get along great.

N is a really attractive guy, he constantly has beautiful women throwing themselves at him and he takes advantage of that as much as possible. N also hooks up with prostitutes. Which I always find interesting with socios, why pay for sex when it is so easy for you to pick up a girl at a bar or a Circle K even? N explains it to me that prostitutes are something you pay for, which dehumanizes them even more and in a sense makes you a god. They have to do what you are paying them to do and you don;t have to fake emotions with them or promise to call later. The deed is done, you pay for what you pay for and get the heck out of there when you've gotten what you wanted.

Makes sense. I completely get it. Not something I would ever want to try, but it makes sense. I know of a lot of women who are devastated when they find out that their socio has been with prostitutes, especially when they are unattractive prostitutes. I say, be glad that your socio isn't investing a ton of time into another relationship. Many socios have a sex addiction, so this is their version of stocking up on cigarettes.

And again, it has nothing to do with you my Empath friends. Nothing at all. It may affect you, but you have to train yourself not to let it bother you. It really has nothing to do with you.

My S (part 5)

We made it through that time. My S came to see me the week after my birthday and everything was back to normal. He was hiding his activities from me and I was ignorantly in bliss. And for a time after that, things seemed to be on the right track again.

I flew out to see him every 3-4 weeks and we always had fun. We loved each other and everyone knew it.

Not long ago, I relocated out of state for a job, which put me only five hours from my sweet S, as opposed to the 13 we had between us before. I was happy that I would be able to see my darling S more often.

I had a hard time transitioning with my move. I don't know people in my new city and I am isolated from friends and family. I needed and started depending on my S more and more. And he resented that. I didn't know it then , but I realize it now.

A friend of mine from the city where my S lives called one night to tell me he would be in my town for the 4th of July, which I was not. We will call this friend J.

J: Hey, did you know that your S is out of prison?
Me: Yes, I heard that. How did you know?
J: I saw him at the casino last week. Damn, that guy is a boss, how does he already have a girlfriend fresh out of the joint?
Me: Why do you think he as a girlfriend (I thought he was going to say he knew about me and my S).
J: He was sitting with an asian girl, a dealer that works there and they were holding hands.
Me: Weird. Did you go over and say hi?
J: NO, I thought it might be awkward to interrupt them, they were really lovey dovey, she was touching his face and I felt weird going over there especially is he didn't remember me.

Heartbreak again.

I go to see my S for the 4th of July and while I am there I ask him about asian chick. He says nothing is going on. But I should also mention that in the three weeks leading up to my going to see my dear S, he had been non existent as he was a few years ago, so I already knew something was up.

He comes up with a grand story about how he is friends with people at the casino but isn't seeing anyone else, he promises it is just me in his life. When I ask if we can go to the casino then, he says no and then goes so far to say that he had a minor altercation with another player at the casino and he has to take a break from going there for a while.

My S says that he has emotional things going on that I wouldn't understand and that's why he has needed his space. He again promises that there is no one but me.

Sounds familiar, right?

He knows I don;t believe him but we put a band aid on our relationship for the weekend and we decide to enjoy each other while I am there. I am very visibly upset on my last morning there. So much so that I can hardly speak. I know this is the end. I know that when I leave, our patched up weekend is over and I will lose my wonderful S all over again.

J called last night to tell me that he is at the casino and he is looking right at my S. I ask what my S is doing and J tells me that he's with his girlfriend again, they are holding hands and gazing into each others eyes.

My stomach drops. This is it.

I text my S and tell him I want to talk to him. He says he is unavailable, so I ask when he will be available. He calls instantly wanting to know whats going on. My S knows something is up. I tell him I want to talk to him when he has some time.

He calls an hour or so later and I end it with my S. It isn't worth bringing up the asian chick again. I know he will have another story. And I know he would rather be with her right now. I have become boring to him and too much work. She is the new toy and I can't compete with her for now.

So, I let my S go. I tell him that I love him with all my heart and that I don't want to lose him but that I know he doesn't want me anymore. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. My inclination as an E makes me want to hold on to him as tightly as possible, but I know it will do no good.

I am sad. I love my S. I would take him back in an instant. Not because I don't value myself, because I actually do. I just know that he isn't intentionally hurting me. He's lying to keep me from knowing what he's done, because in his way he is protecting me. And I know that his new toy has nothing to do with me. I am just the old comfortable toy who has lost her luster for now.

You'll be back my dear S, because you know that I know you better than anyone else and still love you. I see the best in you and admire you for even the worst.

My S (part 4)

A few months ago, I got a text from my S. He was out of prison. He got out on an early release program a year early.

I was stunned. I had no idea he was home and had been for a couple of weeks by then. His family hadn't said anything to me.

I waited a full day before I texted him back because I was scared. This was a defining moment because I knew that I would never have the strength to stay away from him, but I also knew that I should.

After I texted him back, we never stopped. We talked, we laughed, we rehashed the past, I got my closure. And we joked about starting our second marriage. I was in love again. And my dream guy was back.

I flew out to see him for Thanksgiving and we were happy. We kissed every chance we got. We spent hours under the blankets talking about our relationship and loving each other.

This continued for a while. I flew out again for New Years and it seemed like all my dreams were coming true. I had my love, my dear S back and life had color in it again.

And then I got sick after my trip. I went to the doctor and I had a mild STD, Trichomoniasis. I called my S and told him and asked if he had been with anyone else. He said no and that maybe he had something for the last couple of years in prison and never knew about it. I was devastated immediately because I knew he was lying.

I asked again later that day and he kept proclaiming to have not been with anyone else since being home. He even went to far as to say that if I ever wanted to see his phone or his emails to just ask and if he wouldn't give me the password he was obviously hiding something.

I asked right then and there for the password to his email. He got defensive and paranoid and gave me three passwords to "try". None worked. My S got angry and got off the phone with me.

I used to know all of his passwords from years ago, so on a whim I tried his old email password and BAM. I was in. He has hundreds and hundreds of emails to prostitutes he had found on craigslist and I could see that he had been meeting up with many of them. I started printing them off immediately because I saw him log in also and start deleting things.

I told him the following day that I read his emails. He was furious. He didn't want to speak with me. And I was scared. I was losing him again, I could feel it.

He called later that night with all kinds of reasons why those emails weren't true. I knew his story was bogus, but I didn't want to lose him again, so I pretended to believe him.

We had a rough time, my S and I for a couple of months after that. I lost 15 pounds from the stress of it and I didn't know if we would make it.

My S (part 3)

So, as I said I had convinced myself that I was happy with the new bf. I wasn't, but I could have been. I am a faithful and loyal person and I would have made it work, but I knew that no one would ever replace my S. And I didn't want anyone to. This place in my heart has and always will belong to my S.

I wrote a letter to my S while he was in prison. I told him that I was praying for him, I was sorry to hear he was there and that I was still his friend. 

I never mailed it.

It seemed silly to me to want to reach out to him while he was in his darkest hour and I honestly didn't feel that he would even want to hear from me.

Then his mother contacted me and asked for my address. My S wanted to apologize to me and she wanted to know if she could give him my info. At first I told her no. I knew that hearing from him would cause me to go into a tailspin again. But the curiosity in me became stronger than my reason and I agreed,

My sweet S wrote to me that he was sorry for what had happened between us and he wanted to be friends. And that someday when he was out he wanted to tell me what really happened. He knew he had never given me closure and he wanted to provide it to me now.

I was mad. My darling S was only writing to me because he was on lock down. I doubt he would have tried if he was still in the land of the living. 

But I still cherished it. We wrote back and forth for a while. His mother passed away while he was in prison and I was with her just two hours before she died. I had stayed close to his family even after our breakup years ago and I felt his family to be my family.

It killed me that he couldn't be with her at the end. I nearly drove the five hours to see him immediately after her passing because I just wanted to hold my S and love him. An S may not have the same capacity to love as my little emotional E feelings give me, but I knew he loved his mother...and I knew he was hurting.

This sent my feelings for my dear S into overdrive. I broke up with the new bf almost instantly and never looked back.

Our correspondence picked up quite a bit after that.