Socios and Prostitutes.

I have a friend, N, who is also a socio, like my S. He and I get each other. He thinks it's amusing that I am a super, hyper sensitive Empath and also charming that I find his socio ways fascinating. We truly get along great.

N is a really attractive guy, he constantly has beautiful women throwing themselves at him and he takes advantage of that as much as possible. N also hooks up with prostitutes. Which I always find interesting with socios, why pay for sex when it is so easy for you to pick up a girl at a bar or a Circle K even? N explains it to me that prostitutes are something you pay for, which dehumanizes them even more and in a sense makes you a god. They have to do what you are paying them to do and you don;t have to fake emotions with them or promise to call later. The deed is done, you pay for what you pay for and get the heck out of there when you've gotten what you wanted.

Makes sense. I completely get it. Not something I would ever want to try, but it makes sense. I know of a lot of women who are devastated when they find out that their socio has been with prostitutes, especially when they are unattractive prostitutes. I say, be glad that your socio isn't investing a ton of time into another relationship. Many socios have a sex addiction, so this is their version of stocking up on cigarettes.

And again, it has nothing to do with you my Empath friends. Nothing at all. It may affect you, but you have to train yourself not to let it bother you. It really has nothing to do with you.

My S (part 5)

We made it through that time. My S came to see me the week after my birthday and everything was back to normal. He was hiding his activities from me and I was ignorantly in bliss. And for a time after that, things seemed to be on the right track again.

I flew out to see him every 3-4 weeks and we always had fun. We loved each other and everyone knew it.

Not long ago, I relocated out of state for a job, which put me only five hours from my sweet S, as opposed to the 13 we had between us before. I was happy that I would be able to see my darling S more often.

I had a hard time transitioning with my move. I don't know people in my new city and I am isolated from friends and family. I needed and started depending on my S more and more. And he resented that. I didn't know it then , but I realize it now.

A friend of mine from the city where my S lives called one night to tell me he would be in my town for the 4th of July, which I was not. We will call this friend J.

J: Hey, did you know that your S is out of prison?
Me: Yes, I heard that. How did you know?
J: I saw him at the casino last week. Damn, that guy is a boss, how does he already have a girlfriend fresh out of the joint?
Me: Why do you think he as a girlfriend (I thought he was going to say he knew about me and my S).
J: He was sitting with an asian girl, a dealer that works there and they were holding hands.
Me: Weird. Did you go over and say hi?
J: NO, I thought it might be awkward to interrupt them, they were really lovey dovey, she was touching his face and I felt weird going over there especially is he didn't remember me.

Heartbreak again.

I go to see my S for the 4th of July and while I am there I ask him about asian chick. He says nothing is going on. But I should also mention that in the three weeks leading up to my going to see my dear S, he had been non existent as he was a few years ago, so I already knew something was up.

He comes up with a grand story about how he is friends with people at the casino but isn't seeing anyone else, he promises it is just me in his life. When I ask if we can go to the casino then, he says no and then goes so far to say that he had a minor altercation with another player at the casino and he has to take a break from going there for a while.

My S says that he has emotional things going on that I wouldn't understand and that's why he has needed his space. He again promises that there is no one but me.

Sounds familiar, right?

He knows I don;t believe him but we put a band aid on our relationship for the weekend and we decide to enjoy each other while I am there. I am very visibly upset on my last morning there. So much so that I can hardly speak. I know this is the end. I know that when I leave, our patched up weekend is over and I will lose my wonderful S all over again.

J called last night to tell me that he is at the casino and he is looking right at my S. I ask what my S is doing and J tells me that he's with his girlfriend again, they are holding hands and gazing into each others eyes.

My stomach drops. This is it.

I text my S and tell him I want to talk to him. He says he is unavailable, so I ask when he will be available. He calls instantly wanting to know whats going on. My S knows something is up. I tell him I want to talk to him when he has some time.

He calls an hour or so later and I end it with my S. It isn't worth bringing up the asian chick again. I know he will have another story. And I know he would rather be with her right now. I have become boring to him and too much work. She is the new toy and I can't compete with her for now.

So, I let my S go. I tell him that I love him with all my heart and that I don't want to lose him but that I know he doesn't want me anymore. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. My inclination as an E makes me want to hold on to him as tightly as possible, but I know it will do no good.

I am sad. I love my S. I would take him back in an instant. Not because I don't value myself, because I actually do. I just know that he isn't intentionally hurting me. He's lying to keep me from knowing what he's done, because in his way he is protecting me. And I know that his new toy has nothing to do with me. I am just the old comfortable toy who has lost her luster for now.

You'll be back my dear S, because you know that I know you better than anyone else and still love you. I see the best in you and admire you for even the worst.

My S (part 3)

So, as I said I had convinced myself that I was happy with the new bf. I wasn't, but I could have been. I am a faithful and loyal person and I would have made it work, but I knew that no one would ever replace my S. And I didn't want anyone to. This place in my heart has and always will belong to my S.

I wrote a letter to my S while he was in prison. I told him that I was praying for him, I was sorry to hear he was there and that I was still his friend. 

I never mailed it.

It seemed silly to me to want to reach out to him while he was in his darkest hour and I honestly didn't feel that he would even want to hear from me.

Then his mother contacted me and asked for my address. My S wanted to apologize to me and she wanted to know if she could give him my info. At first I told her no. I knew that hearing from him would cause me to go into a tailspin again. But the curiosity in me became stronger than my reason and I agreed,

My sweet S wrote to me that he was sorry for what had happened between us and he wanted to be friends. And that someday when he was out he wanted to tell me what really happened. He knew he had never given me closure and he wanted to provide it to me now.

I was mad. My darling S was only writing to me because he was on lock down. I doubt he would have tried if he was still in the land of the living. 

But I still cherished it. We wrote back and forth for a while. His mother passed away while he was in prison and I was with her just two hours before she died. I had stayed close to his family even after our breakup years ago and I felt his family to be my family.

It killed me that he couldn't be with her at the end. I nearly drove the five hours to see him immediately after her passing because I just wanted to hold my S and love him. An S may not have the same capacity to love as my little emotional E feelings give me, but I knew he loved his mother...and I knew he was hurting.

This sent my feelings for my dear S into overdrive. I broke up with the new bf almost instantly and never looked back.

Our correspondence picked up quite a bit after that.