How to Get Your Sociopath Back: Step Two - Pull Yourself Together

Hello my dear little E's. I hope you are doing well on your journey of No Contact with your S.

Let's be real, you're probably a hot mess right now, which leads me to the next step in the process of winning the affection of your S.

You have got to get it together. Literally.

First things first, get your ass in the shower and out of your pajamas. Fix your hair, get your makeup to look perfect (men: shave that damn beard or at least clean up your neck), wear something you know you look good in, not just today, but everyday during this journey.

See, doesn't that feel better just to think about brushing that three days worth of morning breath and getting into a hot shower?

Here's a couple of things I want you to work on over the next few days:

1. Get a new haircut (or hair color) if you can afford it.
If you can't afford it, come up with a new hairstyle. You have plenty of free time without your S, so scour pinterest and come up with some great ideas and get to work!

2. Get yourself a journal that will be specific to this journey of reclaiming your S.

• On the first page, I want you to write down at least 10 of your good qualities. You can have more, but you must have at least 10. (examples: I am an amazing artist/musician; I have really pretty blue eyes, etc) I want you to be proud of who you are. Them read it out loud to yourself everyday, there is a lot of power in your words. You need confidence and your S will be more attracted to a confident and freshly showered version of you.
• Next, write down as much of your story with your S as you can. How it all started, when you knew you loved him/her, the good and bad things that happened throughout the course of your relationship, what he/she did to hurt you, what your S said to you repeatedly. All of it. Chronicle it as much as possible. Then when you are done, read it back to yourself, out loud.
• Whenever you feel angry, sad, hopeless, put it in your journal. Your friends might be sick to death of hearing you talk about how depressed and lonely you are. Put it in the book. And as mentioned before, read it out loud to yourself afterward.

Again, no contact with your S. None. Now get started.

How to Get Your Sociopath Back: Step One - No Contact

So, along with the influx of emails asking how to get over the love of their life, their S, I have also gotten a lot of questions on how to get your S back.

While I can tell you what worked for me, I cannot guarantee that it will work for you. It's worth a shot though, right? It truly did work for me. My wonderful, sweet S and I are happy and going strong.

** As a disclaimer, if your S has physically or sexually abused you or someone you know, stolen from you, put your life in danger, is involved in criminal activity etc etc. Walk away. Do NOT try to get your S back. Try to get your life together, for the love of God.

Now, for the rest of you...

First things first:

You have to go no contact. 

I know. It sucks. The only way you feel better is to hear the sweet voice of your S or get any type of response from your S.

Believe me, I get it.

Here's why no contact is so vital: You need to try to become interesting to your S again, which means you have got to become another person (or a much much more exciting and confident version of yourself).

By going no contact, a few things happen:
1. You don't look like a needy little puppy. And trust me, socio or not, NO ONE likes a needy puppy.
2. You give your S time to forget the crazy/stupid/mean/unintelligent/needy things you did when they left you.
3. You have some time to get your ass to the gym. And  c'mon, let's be real, you probably aren't eating because you're upset, so that will be a good way to jump start to your weight loss until the appetite comes back.
4. You gain some perspective on who you are and what you need from this or any relationship. If the benefit isn't much higher than the torment, you need to do some self evaluation.

No contact NEEDS to happen for two weeks. No excuses. Two weeks will fly by (even if it doesn't feel like it right now, it will). Two weeks is nothing but a little blip of time.

Do not contact your S. At all. NADA. No texts, emails, phone calls, accidental run in's at the grocery, none of this, oops I texted/called the "wrong person" crap, etc.

NO CONTACT. 

Even if your S tries to contact you, you MUST stay strong. Do not respond to anything.

Two weeks, that's all. You got this. The end goal is getting your S back, the beginning to this journey is going to be going MIA for two weeks.

If you screw up three days in, you start over.

Two weeks...starting...NOW.

Lying to Protect the Innocent.

Recently, my S and I had a conversation about secrets. Probably the biggest challenge that we face as an S+E couple is that he likes to keep secrets and I like to know things.

Not just things about him or what he's doing, mind you. In the same way that most people like to hear Hollywood gossip or those who frequently pull out their iphone to google a movie fact. I like having knowledge and information at my fingertips in an instant.

My dear S does not ascribe to the same idea as I do. He doesn't care to tell anyone his information and unless it can help him in some way, he doesn't really care to know the business of others either.

I have a lot of questions for my S, for a couple of reasons:
1. I like learning more about sociopathic behavior and he is my accessible real life case study.
2. I like to know what's going on in his life. (Yes, partially because there is a side of me that wonders why he still does some of the things he does).

During this conversation, I was asking him why he constantly shuts his phone off entirely when we are together. It isn't something he used to do, so the new behavior has me curious as to what he could be hiding from me. His response was that I am the person he most talks to/texts so when we a re together he doesn't need his phone on.

Come on.

Being the nosy little E I can sometimes be, I asked more questions: but what if your dad or another family member needed to reach you for an emergency and your phone is off? What if your PO is trying to reach you and thinks you have skipped town? Do you have people calling or texting that you don't want me to know about?

Little my dear E's, don;t do what I do (did). It irritated him and I never got the answers to my questions. The only thing I got was that he doesn't tell me things sometimes simply to protect me. Protect me from what I wonder...being emotionally hurt if one of his current conquests calls or texts him...being in legal trouble...etc etc.

Who knows. But I wonder if all Socios say or think the same way. They know they are doing things that could potentially hurt themselves but they don't see any reason to needlessly involve other people or potentially injure the innocent.

How to: Identify a Sociopath

So, you think you think you might have a cow-worker/boss/friend/lover/spouse/neighbor/parent who is Sociopath. You've gone through all the checklists and you've just about narrowed it down.

Here's even more identifying ways to figure out if you are dealing with an S or just a crazy normal person.

The following is an excerpt from Thomas Sheridan Arts that I think is a pretty fantastic and comprehensive list of ways to identify a Sociopath. His entire website is a great source of information, so if you like this, give his other stuff a glance.

THE REVEAL

If you experienced the following behaviour while in a relationship, or working with this person—then you probably knew a psychopath: 

Invented Personas to Manipulate Others 

Psychopaths are a different version of themselves for every person they interact with. They also have ‘group personas’ for family, organisational and workplace interaction. 

Highly Unreliable/Broken Promises 

Psychopaths will make the most incredibly ambitious plans including you as their right hand man or woman—then, on a whim, discard those plans and move on to some other crusade that excludes you. Targets often alter their own life plans to help the psychopath reach their imaginary goals, resulting in appalling emotional, psychological and financial chaos for the victims when the psychopath moves on. 

Idealisation Followed by Cold Rejection 

At the height of their idealisation of you, the psychopath will show you obsessive ‘love,’ care and attention. However, once they feel they have you where they want you—or the relationship has ended—if you collapsed in front of them on the street they would simply step over you as if they’d never met you and continue on their way. Outrageous and very personal smear campaigns against the discarded targets to falsely portray them as psychologically unstable, self-serving liars or abusers are often undertaken by psychopaths following the ending of a relationship. 

Becomes Obsessed with a Hobby, Cause, or Individual and then Loses Interest Instantly 

However, as soon as the relationship is established, the downward trajectory from idealisation of their targets and towards the inevitable devaluation and discarding begins in earnest. It may take weeks. It may take months. It often takes years. Nevertheless the psychopath always begins the devaluing of their victims as soon as the relationship is legitimised and is always on the lookout for an ‘upgrade’. 

Phony Altruism 

Buys into either secular and non-secular belief systems to appear superior or enlightened. Will align themselves with ‘morally popular’ causes to make themselves appear enlightened and with a sense of deep moral wisdom and compassion. But it is always a pose; the psychopath’s association with these causes is a veneer to fool others into trusting them. It’s always fake; always an agenda. 

There is Nothing Real Behind the Persona 

Behind the months or years of perfectly-constructed performance by your psychopath is a nothing: a void, a blank, a hunger for something the psychopathic entity can never define. They now see no further benefit in playing this part and have moved on to a new role. It is just business. You are treated to a completely new, cold and emotionless persona. “Who is this stranger?” you will ask yourself over and over again. It is so bewildering. 

The Sudden Goodbye 

Then the psychopath finds an upgrade, changes their persona, will often change their look, fashions and even change the subject when they suspect others are figuring them out and you begin asking questions. "Hey, never mind that, it is lovely weather we are having!" Stated in a chipper and almost giddy manner (with an obvious underlying glibness). They are repressing the internal excitement at having pulled a fast one on you.

STDs and My S

I'm preparing for the backlash from all of you other Empath's on what I'm about to say, but I find that it works for my wonderful, sweet S...and therefore works in my benefit. Mostly.

Recently, my S and I had a little situation where the possibility of an std came up for me. To be completely fair, I don't know if I had one for sure. My doctor is really cool, and I think she may have felt a little bad for me...the bottom line is that it was either chlamydia or a horrible bacterial infection so she prescribed me a z-pack and said to let her know if it didn't clear up in three days and we would do a blood test.

I didn't push for anymore testing for a few reasons, the extra lab fees I didn't want to pay,the fact that the z-pack would probably work just fine and the best one: I didn't really want to know if it was the std.

Here's the thing, I know that my darling S is not able to be nailed down to sex with me only. It's a reality I had to accept not long into our relationship. It's not something we discuss, but we both know that i know.

Now, I have to admit, part of me wants to scream and yell at him and ask him why he would ever put me at risk. But as I have learned been trained by my S to do, I waited a couple of days until I was feeling better, both physically and mentally, and had a mature conversation with him. I told him that since I don't know either way what the issue is, I wouldn't dream of accusing him of anything. I then told him that I get it if he wants to have sex with other women, I know him and I know his sexual appetite. He was quick to deny that he has been with anyone since he and I first began dating and I stopped him from continuing.

I explained that I realize that we operate differently and that while I would never sleep with anyone else I don't expect him to uphold that on his end. My only three requests are:

1. That he cannot be in relationships with any other women. Meaning that if it is sex only, then I get that, but that I don't want him investing into anyone else.
2. That he wears a condom and gets checked for STDs on a regular basis for my health if not his own.
3. That he never tells me about it. I do believe that what I don't know can't hurt me (especially if he adheres to rule #2.

I'm pretty sure that I shocked him. He said that he was really impressed by how I handled the situation and that if it was possible, he loved me even more because of it.

Maybe I'm crazy for being open enough to give him the ok on this, or maybe I am incredibly smart for giving my S the freedom he really craves while showing him that I am not worried about other women.

Bottom line: I know my wonderful, sexy S loves me. I really do. He knows that I am devoted to him entirely and that he is my world. Our little world works for us.

Maybe you can't fathom doing this. Maybe you are feeling sorry for me because I should have more self worth.

Don't.

I have exactly what I want. My incredible, amazing and loving S.

The S is back.

As you can see, my posts have started to decrease. This is because my sweet S has been back for a couple of months now and he completely consumes my time. I allow him to.

That and my posts are sometimes fueled when I am upset by him.

At any rate, I told you all he would be back, and he is. I know him extremely well.

He's lost interest in whatever person or thing he was obsessively into for a few weeks and now things are back to normal. He's calling and texting a lot and we have had a lot of sex.

See, he still has no idea that I know about anything he has been up to. I know so much more than he's ever thought possible for me to know, but it's more important for me to be with the man I love than to be right, so there you have it.

Before you other empaths start shaking your heads, you all do it too. You turn a blind eye to the things you don't want to deal with and you move on.

The ratio of the good that my darling S provides as opposed to the sometimes bad is still much higher. If a any moment it becomes the other way around, I will have to walk away.

And maybe this is the part I learned from the S I love so dearly: when things no longer benefit you, get the hell out.

Again, we all do it, empath and socio alike. We change careers, cities, friends, clothes and houses all the time because we see something better. More money, a flashier car, a new environment, etc etc.

Maybe we aren't so different after all?

How to: Hurt a Sociopath (part two)

I find it interesting that based off of my trusty little google analytics, my most popular post is How to: Hurt a Sociopath.

I guess a lot of you empaths out there really want to know what you can do to retaliate. I can;t say I blame you. I have musings of that myself, even with a Socio in my life that I love with all my heart and would lay my life down for.

Yeah, I know, I'm pretty screwed up in the head.

I get it. Truly. You have been humiliated, manipulated and lied to. You gave yourself completely and got a fake in return. And now you want to make your S suffer.

Here's what I know from my experience with my darling S:

1. They get angry when you hurt the people they actually care about. Maybe a mother, father, sister, ex girlfriend. There is someone in their lives that they actually do care about. You can usually figure this out because they will try to protect those people from who they are and protect them from you.
2. They hate (and I do mean HATE) confrontation, also known as DRAMA.If you create it, they will get pissed off and probably run further away from you. But, it will piss them off.
3. They don't want to get caught. If your S is doing something illegal, the easiest way for you to get revenge is to turn them in. Sleeping with prostitutes? Call the police, give them evidence. Stealing money from their company? Call the police, the boss, etc etc.

*Something to note with #3, make sure that you really want to go this route because there is no turning back. You will hurt many people in this process and if your S gets slammed with jail time or prison time, you will have to live with the fact that you did it to them. And unlike our lovely S's, we feel guilty about things and they tend to eat us alive.

So there you have it. Some awesome ideas. Use them wisely or not at all. Remember as I mentioned before, your S will probably hurt you more in the long run even if you successfully implement any of these tactics.

Much love to you E's. Keep your head up and choose to either love your S or leave your S.

How to: Be in a romantic relationship with a Socio.

You're an empath. You love a Sociopath. Happens all the time.

You want to find out how to keep your S happy? Well, now this may differ slightly based on your own personal S...but here's what I have learned from my dear sweet S:

1. Be as low maintenance as possible. Socio's like drama, but only if they create it. They do not want you to create drama for them. It stresses them out. 
2. Don't get boring. This means that you absolutely cannot give up all of your secrets right away. I know, I know, they ask a lot of questions and they want to devour all info you can present them with. But. If you do, they will quickly tire of you. Change it up. Don't be the same person all the time. Keep them guessing, be mysterious and they'll stick around longer.
3. Don't get confrontational and for God's sake, DO NOT accuse them of anything. Your S is lying to you. I know it, you know it, your friends probably know it. But your S? He needs to think you have no idea. The moment you start accusing and trying to show proof, they will get angry. They will deny it, no matter how good your proof is. If you can't handle not confronting him, then you don;t deserve to be in a relationship with an S.
4. Keep your co-dependency to a minimum.Now this is a tricky one. You're an E, you want attention, you want ooey gooey feelings from your S...and for the most part you will get those. In fact, you will get astonishingly high amounts of it at the beginning. But when they feel like you are getting parasitical, co-dependent and needy, they will want to run. They have seduced you a little too well and it sickens them how easy you were.
5. Be as sexy and alluring as possible. Give it up even when you don't feel like it...but make it interesting!! Role playing is key with an S...they love to pretend to be someone else. Give them the chance to do it with you. And make it as risque and filthy as possible. Lots of oral. Trust me.
6. Worship them. No, I don't mean literally, so banish the images of golden calves and start applying this rule. They like to hear how great and wonderful they are. How sexy you think they are, ho they are far more intelligent than anyone you have ever known in your life. Adoration is key. Your S has become who they perceive you want, so let them know they are doing a damn good job.

Good luck little minions and let me know how this works out for you or if you have any other ideas for this list. 

xoxo,

Empath Queen

How to: Hurt a Sociopath

Slow down, this is not a creepy post about how to murder anyone. But if you have the urge to go out and start getting even with the S's in your life, here's a little handy guide.

Disclaimer: You will probably not ever really hurt an S. They will hurt you first. They are smarter, faster and stronger than you could ever hope to be. And you would have ti apply this at just the right moment in order for it to have any bearing at all.

Leave them.

And the only way this will work is if your S is still infatuated with you. If you're past that stage, you're out of luck, unless you think you can bring them back in. And if you can do that, you might just be smarter than I gave you credit for little E's.

Your S needs to be in control of the relationship, so the moment they realize they aren't, it will physically make them feel sick and grasp to keep you. This is where you cannot turn back. Change your #, change your name, move out of state, whatever it takes. But do not re-initiate contact with them.

Otherwise, you've lost the game.

Now, mind you, your S won;t hurt for long. At least not as long as we think they should, so rejoice in your little victory my dears and look out for the next S on the horizon.

Why no two Socios are alike.

I've posted about the basic overview of ASPD/Sociopaths here and here and a checklist you can use to somewhat identify if you think are one or might know one.

But the truth is that all of this will never fully explain an S to you. Every S has certain qualities that help to define them as an S, but not every one will add up. Most things don;t really add up with an S anyway. You never know who you're getting from day to day anyway.

I know my dear S very well because I have studied him intensely. My S isn't violent, nor has my S ever tried to scam me out of money. That's not to say that he hasn't used me for purposes of covering up who he is to his family and his boss, but no monetary gain ever came from a relationship with me.

If you have been in a relationship with an S who did take you for all your money or left you high and dry with a bunch of credit card bills, I do feel bad for you...and hopefully you were really duped by your S and you didn't just freely offer up the info.

My sweet S has however used my weaknesses against me, not that I minded. I am well aware of my weaknesses and they aren't even that bad. I need to be told that I am loved and cherished. I need that attention. Other than that, I don't require much from the person I love. I don't need the gifts or the acts of service, I just need to be told that you love me and you are happy to be with me. I don't have kids, I don't have a ton of debt. I'm very loving, caring and generous. I'm attractive, in shape and a dang good woman.

But, back to my weakness, my dear S knew this is what I needed, so he provided it to me when it suited him and he took it away when it suited him to do so or when he was in the process of "training" me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that your S is different than my S. You can;t compare the two, and reading about all of the escapades of another person's S will only further take you into a black hole of depression because you will start assuming that your S did all the things their S did.

Be smarter than that. Either accept your S for who they are...or move on. It's really that easy.

How to: Handle a Sociopath

My S used to make jokes about "training" people all the time. He liked to try and help people to become what he thought they should be. And for the most part, who he wanted them to be was a better version of themselves. He was good at it and as he says , he was "changing lives".

If you are an E and you love an S and want to keep your S happy, here are a few pointers for how to "manage" them. You will not get them to change, but it will help you to stop the arguing and help you to deal better with the ways of a true S and to enjoy who your S truly is.

• Don't accuse them of anything. An S does not like to be confronted or accused of anything they have done. Even if it's refutable and true, they will deny it. Accusing them only makes them angry (or amused), which will only frustrate you.
• Don't share your personal experiences with your S with anyone. Not their family, not your friends and definitely not friends of your S. They like to keep private things private and if they have allowed you into their secretive world, they expect you to keep everything to yourself.
• Don't start drama. If you are fighting with your S, refer to #2. Don't go around telling people. Your S will find out, they are smart and they know exactly what an E will do. If you start drama, you look stupid and they get angry. 
• Don't demand anything of an S. They like to be in control. Always. You may think you are standing up for your manhood or womanhood, but in reality, you are trying to get some control because you are scared to lose your S. Find a way to suggest something you want your S to do or do for you and make it seem like their idea.
• Have lots of sex. An S loves sex and they don;t care all the time who it comes from. So put out as much as possible and do your best not to freak out if you find out your S has been with someone else. It has nothing to do with you not does it mean your S doesn't love you.
• Role play with your S. One of the coolest and scariest things about an S is that they can become anything that want to be. They like to have the choice of different lives, so cater to that. Change up who you are so that they are constantly guessing. It will keep the attention of your S.
• Take care of yourself. You are not the most important person to your S, they are the most important person in their lives. They will love you, even for just a time, but when they leave, you cannot fall apart. You have to start taking care of yourself now.