How to Get Your Sociopath Back: Step Two - Pull Yourself Together

Hello my dear little E's. I hope you are doing well on your journey of No Contact with your S.

Let's be real, you're probably a hot mess right now, which leads me to the next step in the process of winning the affection of your S.

You have got to get it together. Literally.

First things first, get your ass in the shower and out of your pajamas. Fix your hair, get your makeup to look perfect (men: shave that damn beard or at least clean up your neck), wear something you know you look good in, not just today, but everyday during this journey.

See, doesn't that feel better just to think about brushing that three days worth of morning breath and getting into a hot shower?

Here's a couple of things I want you to work on over the next few days:

1. Get a new haircut (or hair color) if you can afford it.
If you can't afford it, come up with a new hairstyle. You have plenty of free time without your S, so scour pinterest and come up with some great ideas and get to work!

2. Get yourself a journal that will be specific to this journey of reclaiming your S.

• On the first page, I want you to write down at least 10 of your good qualities. You can have more, but you must have at least 10. (examples: I am an amazing artist/musician; I have really pretty blue eyes, etc) I want you to be proud of who you are. Them read it out loud to yourself everyday, there is a lot of power in your words. You need confidence and your S will be more attracted to a confident and freshly showered version of you.
• Next, write down as much of your story with your S as you can. How it all started, when you knew you loved him/her, the good and bad things that happened throughout the course of your relationship, what he/she did to hurt you, what your S said to you repeatedly. All of it. Chronicle it as much as possible. Then when you are done, read it back to yourself, out loud.
• Whenever you feel angry, sad, hopeless, put it in your journal. Your friends might be sick to death of hearing you talk about how depressed and lonely you are. Put it in the book. And as mentioned before, read it out loud to yourself afterward.

Again, no contact with your S. None. Now get started.

How to Get Your Sociopath Back: Step One - No Contact

So, along with the influx of emails asking how to get over the love of their life, their S, I have also gotten a lot of questions on how to get your S back.

While I can tell you what worked for me, I cannot guarantee that it will work for you. It's worth a shot though, right? It truly did work for me. My wonderful, sweet S and I are happy and going strong.

** As a disclaimer, if your S has physically or sexually abused you or someone you know, stolen from you, put your life in danger, is involved in criminal activity etc etc. Walk away. Do NOT try to get your S back. Try to get your life together, for the love of God.

Now, for the rest of you...

First things first:

You have to go no contact. 

I know. It sucks. The only way you feel better is to hear the sweet voice of your S or get any type of response from your S.

Believe me, I get it.

Here's why no contact is so vital: You need to try to become interesting to your S again, which means you have got to become another person (or a much much more exciting and confident version of yourself).

By going no contact, a few things happen:
1. You don't look like a needy little puppy. And trust me, socio or not, NO ONE likes a needy puppy.
2. You give your S time to forget the crazy/stupid/mean/unintelligent/needy things you did when they left you.
3. You have some time to get your ass to the gym. And  c'mon, let's be real, you probably aren't eating because you're upset, so that will be a good way to jump start to your weight loss until the appetite comes back.
4. You gain some perspective on who you are and what you need from this or any relationship. If the benefit isn't much higher than the torment, you need to do some self evaluation.

No contact NEEDS to happen for two weeks. No excuses. Two weeks will fly by (even if it doesn't feel like it right now, it will). Two weeks is nothing but a little blip of time.

Do not contact your S. At all. NADA. No texts, emails, phone calls, accidental run in's at the grocery, none of this, oops I texted/called the "wrong person" crap, etc.

NO CONTACT. 

Even if your S tries to contact you, you MUST stay strong. Do not respond to anything.

Two weeks, that's all. You got this. The end goal is getting your S back, the beginning to this journey is going to be going MIA for two weeks.

If you screw up three days in, you start over.

Two weeks...starting...NOW.

Why You Can't Let Go and How to Try

You met your S, you fell in love, everything seemed perfect, he/she was everything you ever dreamed (and more), you were happier than you had ever been...

Then your S disappeared or perhaps wasn't as good at hiding things anymore and you found out the truth.

You got angry, you couldn't believe this was happening, your dreams were dashed, you were furious, you were confused...

But ultimately, you just wanted your S back.

I get it. I've been there.

Your S became everything that he/she knew you wanted and needed. your vulnerabilities were exposes and manipulated to the extreme. You can;t help but think that you will never be happy with anyone else the way you were happy with your S.

And that's probably true.

And that is the key to why it is so hard to let go. You remember the good times.

So how do you get past this?

1. Recognize that the person you knew doesn't really exist.
2. Figure out why you don't believe you are worth anything (and this is a big one, especially if your S has stolen from you, put your life or your child's life in danger, etc.
3. Do something for you.Join a gym, take up a hobby, go out with friends. Get your mind off of the situation.
4. Write down all the things your S did to you and read them out loud to yourself. Imagine that a friend told you this exact story about them, what would your advice be to them? Take it.
5. Give it time: Time truly does heal all wounds. Take it a day at a time, or a week at a time.
6. Don't make major life decisions while you are hurt.
7. Trust yourself.
8. See a professional counselor/therapist who knows about sociopaths.
9. Do not for any reason contact your S. You will look needy. Let it go and hold onto the little shred of dignity you have. Use a mediator or a lawyer to communicate if you must.

My blog is specifically dedicated to my S, how I handle things with him and why I choose to stay with him.

But I realize not everyone has that option. I have gotten tons of questions from you all asking how to get past your hurt, so this is for you.

Good luck and Godspeed my dear E's.

Are you the Perfect Target?

I am a fan of the following blog, it seems to offer good resources for those dealing with psycho/socio/narc behavior. I do have another post that talks about being easy prey for a Socio, but I find the following list from Thomas Sheridan to be even more comprehensive. Does this sound like you?

Are You the Perfect Target for a Psychopath?

• Do you feel incomplete without a ‘soul mate’?

• Do you hide a sense of low self-esteem or hurt behind an outgoing and confident exterior due to a past emotional trauma that you keep to yourself?

• Do you believe that there is ‘someone special’ out there just for you and do you let people know what kind of person this would be?

• Do you believe in ‘love at first sight'?

• Do you have a large disposable income?

• Are you generally independent and self-supporting?

• Do you have any special talent or ability which may bring you fame and wealth one day?

• Do you think deeply about everyone and everything except yourself?

• Are you a single parent longing for a completed family?

• Are you the kind of person who would get out of your car to help an elderly or handicapped person with their groceries?

• Did you lose a young child, or are you presently estranged from your children due to divorce or do you have a deep-rooted unfulfilled desire to raise and nurture a child of your own?

• Do you always give other people the benefit of the doubt at first?

• Are you humbly unaware of your own special talents and abilities?

• Are you an educated recent immigrant with a degree or professional background and not yet fully aware of all the subtle cultural intricacies of your newly adopted country?

• Are you living alone in a house in which the mortgage is fully paid off?

• Do you have a strong desire to love and be loved?

• Do you have a history of rescuing stray and injured animals?

• Did you have a parent who was an alcoholic or a drug addict?

• Are you very sensitive to emotional external stimuli, such as hearing certain music, or viewing a certain art work which can bring you to tears?

• Were you in the military as a young person?

• Did one or both of your parents die when you were a child or were you raised in a foster home or orphanage?

• Were you abused, neglected, unloved by a parent/parents as a child?

• Are you financially responsible, solvent and secure, such as a stable employment position/regular long-term pay cheque with a government pension/full military pension?

• Do you believe there is a hidden force which affects your life to some degree and do you embrace this concept?

• Are you recently widowed, divorced or currently in a difficult relationship?

• When you are hurt emotionally, is it a deep, intense hurt?

Lying to Protect the Innocent.

Recently, my S and I had a conversation about secrets. Probably the biggest challenge that we face as an S+E couple is that he likes to keep secrets and I like to know things.

Not just things about him or what he's doing, mind you. In the same way that most people like to hear Hollywood gossip or those who frequently pull out their iphone to google a movie fact. I like having knowledge and information at my fingertips in an instant.

My dear S does not ascribe to the same idea as I do. He doesn't care to tell anyone his information and unless it can help him in some way, he doesn't really care to know the business of others either.

I have a lot of questions for my S, for a couple of reasons:
1. I like learning more about sociopathic behavior and he is my accessible real life case study.
2. I like to know what's going on in his life. (Yes, partially because there is a side of me that wonders why he still does some of the things he does).

During this conversation, I was asking him why he constantly shuts his phone off entirely when we are together. It isn't something he used to do, so the new behavior has me curious as to what he could be hiding from me. His response was that I am the person he most talks to/texts so when we a re together he doesn't need his phone on.

Come on.

Being the nosy little E I can sometimes be, I asked more questions: but what if your dad or another family member needed to reach you for an emergency and your phone is off? What if your PO is trying to reach you and thinks you have skipped town? Do you have people calling or texting that you don't want me to know about?

Little my dear E's, don;t do what I do (did). It irritated him and I never got the answers to my questions. The only thing I got was that he doesn't tell me things sometimes simply to protect me. Protect me from what I wonder...being emotionally hurt if one of his current conquests calls or texts him...being in legal trouble...etc etc.

Who knows. But I wonder if all Socios say or think the same way. They know they are doing things that could potentially hurt themselves but they don't see any reason to needlessly involve other people or potentially injure the innocent.

Sometimes it Actually Does Hurt

I write mostly about why I love my S so much or ways that I have discovered how to deal with being in a relationship with my S, but there are times when it is extremely painful for me. For the most part I have learned how to accept who he is and live in a fantasy world, but tonight isn't one of those nights.

Over 1000 miles away, my dad is in the hospital and it is awful for me. I moved a few months ago for a job offer. I felt ok accepting the position because he seemed to be doing better. He suffers from a traumatic brain injury that happened about three years ago. He had a lot of ups and mostly downs for the first couple of years and then sort of leveled off.

But I got a call from my brother saying that he fell a day ago and nobody knew. Which means my dad had been laying on the floor of his apartment for an entire day because of a seizure and he had with no one to help him.

Breaks my heart. And there's nothing I can do.

After being reassured that things are fine for now, I call my S. I want to hear his voice. I want to just have him say that he loves me and ask if I am doing ok.

But no. He's not answering my calls or texts.

It sucks at times my dear E's. I'll admit it.

It's the life I have chosen to live but tonight I am wishing I had another choice.

How to: Identify a Sociopath

So, you think you think you might have a cow-worker/boss/friend/lover/spouse/neighbor/parent who is Sociopath. You've gone through all the checklists and you've just about narrowed it down.

Here's even more identifying ways to figure out if you are dealing with an S or just a crazy normal person.

The following is an excerpt from Thomas Sheridan Arts that I think is a pretty fantastic and comprehensive list of ways to identify a Sociopath. His entire website is a great source of information, so if you like this, give his other stuff a glance.

THE REVEAL

If you experienced the following behaviour while in a relationship, or working with this person—then you probably knew a psychopath: 

Invented Personas to Manipulate Others 

Psychopaths are a different version of themselves for every person they interact with. They also have ‘group personas’ for family, organisational and workplace interaction. 

Highly Unreliable/Broken Promises 

Psychopaths will make the most incredibly ambitious plans including you as their right hand man or woman—then, on a whim, discard those plans and move on to some other crusade that excludes you. Targets often alter their own life plans to help the psychopath reach their imaginary goals, resulting in appalling emotional, psychological and financial chaos for the victims when the psychopath moves on. 

Idealisation Followed by Cold Rejection 

At the height of their idealisation of you, the psychopath will show you obsessive ‘love,’ care and attention. However, once they feel they have you where they want you—or the relationship has ended—if you collapsed in front of them on the street they would simply step over you as if they’d never met you and continue on their way. Outrageous and very personal smear campaigns against the discarded targets to falsely portray them as psychologically unstable, self-serving liars or abusers are often undertaken by psychopaths following the ending of a relationship. 

Becomes Obsessed with a Hobby, Cause, or Individual and then Loses Interest Instantly 

However, as soon as the relationship is established, the downward trajectory from idealisation of their targets and towards the inevitable devaluation and discarding begins in earnest. It may take weeks. It may take months. It often takes years. Nevertheless the psychopath always begins the devaluing of their victims as soon as the relationship is legitimised and is always on the lookout for an ‘upgrade’. 

Phony Altruism 

Buys into either secular and non-secular belief systems to appear superior or enlightened. Will align themselves with ‘morally popular’ causes to make themselves appear enlightened and with a sense of deep moral wisdom and compassion. But it is always a pose; the psychopath’s association with these causes is a veneer to fool others into trusting them. It’s always fake; always an agenda. 

There is Nothing Real Behind the Persona 

Behind the months or years of perfectly-constructed performance by your psychopath is a nothing: a void, a blank, a hunger for something the psychopathic entity can never define. They now see no further benefit in playing this part and have moved on to a new role. It is just business. You are treated to a completely new, cold and emotionless persona. “Who is this stranger?” you will ask yourself over and over again. It is so bewildering. 

The Sudden Goodbye 

Then the psychopath finds an upgrade, changes their persona, will often change their look, fashions and even change the subject when they suspect others are figuring them out and you begin asking questions. "Hey, never mind that, it is lovely weather we are having!" Stated in a chipper and almost giddy manner (with an obvious underlying glibness). They are repressing the internal excitement at having pulled a fast one on you.