Thursday, December 12, 2013

Sometimes it Actually Does Hurt

I write mostly about why I love my S so much or ways that I have discovered how to deal with being in a relationship with my S, but there are times when it is extremely painful for me. For the most part I have learned how to accept who he is and live in a fantasy world, but tonight isn't one of those nights.

Over 1000 miles away, my dad is in the hospital and it is awful for me. I moved a few months ago for a job offer. I felt ok accepting the position because he seemed to be doing better. He suffers from a traumatic brain injury that happened about three years ago. He had a lot of ups and mostly downs for the first couple of years and then sort of leveled off.

But I got a call from my brother saying that he fell a day ago and nobody knew. Which means my dad had been laying on the floor of his apartment for an entire day because of a seizure and he had with no one to help him.

Breaks my heart. And there's nothing I can do.

After being reassured that things are fine for now, I call my S. I want to hear his voice. I want to just have him say that he loves me and ask if I am doing ok.

But no. He's not answering my calls or texts.

It sucks at times my dear E's. I'll admit it.

It's the life I have chosen to live but tonight I am wishing I had another choice.


  1. Hello from SW- where a post of yours was reposted by ME.

    Much of what you say, I relate to from memories of my younger life. Your S is thrilling- perhaps the Great Love of your life- still, I question whether he is deserving of your obvious devotion. That being said, it is your devotion to bestow on who you choose. If the relationship is satisfying to you, more power to you.
    As you say in a different post- no two sociopaths are alike. Only you know if the particular constellation of good qualities and pathologies your S is made up of will satisfy you long term. That being said- it's important to realistically understand how your sociopath sees you. If he's more autistic and less narcissistic, you may be able to make this work. But if he is an egomaniac who is heavily invested in a public image at the expense of his own soul, tread carefully- your long term sanity is on the line.
    I recommend that you read Sam Vaknin's perspective on narcissistic relationships (which is what most, if not all, of the S's relationships ultimately are).

    In extricating myself from the emotional ties with an S (they do run deep) I found Vaknin to be very helpful. You have a blog that is completely devoted to the topic of your "S" relationship. Here's Vaknin's take on that sort of devotion.

    I promise you that I am not a hater. I like sociopaths. I still have a (suspected) few in my life in what I consider to be mutually beneficial relationships. For me, that means observing boundaries carefully and not becoming romantic. You may find that you don't want to give up "S" romances. No judgment here- just a warning- keep your eyes open and protect your heart.

    1. Thank you for this link! I will definitely be checking it out. And also, thank you for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time to read and your interest in my situation. <3

  2. I just found your blog via Sociopath World too, and I salute you, madam! I too have adapted and accommodated and learned in ways that feel very similar to what you describe.
    I learned to stop worrying and love my sociopath.
    It is so refreshing to hear from an empath who eschews whiny self-victimisation and accepts this fascinating, beautiful creature for what he is.
    After several years of our affair I think my S has moved on (sob) and I seriously doubt I will ever love like that again. But free of the hold he had on my heart, I do feel a whole lot happier and more self-confident.
    The trick now will be staying on good terms, as he is 'the leader of the pack' in our social group, and I do not want to be excluded. Do you have any thoughts on how to end the obsessive, sexual relationship and still remain friends with an S?

    1. I think in your case, it will be more of a time thing. Time definitely softens wounds. You will have to focus on not reaching out to him when you want sex from him because when/if you are rejected by him sexually, this will open the wound further. And if he solicits sex from you, you have to be strong enough to say no. Eventually it will get better, and I know it's a tough battle to fight, but it will be worth it. And in the end, he will respect you more for it.

  3. I just discovered your blog, a relief from the many "healing-from-the-socio" blogs for those of us who choose to maintain the relationship. My friend doesn't love me but I believe our relationship is important to him at least in part in that I know and accept who he is. He can be very self-absorbed but otherwise has done me no egregious harm. I expect that someday the relationship will end and I will grieve, but I know that in the end I will be fine and richer for the experience. However, it isn't for the faint-hearted!

    1. It definitely isn''s a daily journey and decision to be in the relationship. But worth it for me in so many ways that others sometimes cannot understand. Thank you for stopping by...I look forward to hearing more of your story.

  4. Empath Queen, unfortunately this isn't the first time you have been groomed to put the needs of another before your own. Most likely you were doing it as a young child vis-a-vis an adult. I suggest you read Alice Miller's 'The Drama of the Gifted Child'. You're in an abusive relationship end of story.

    1. Thank you for the thoughts and the book suggestion.

  5. Empath Queen,

    I love your attitude and the responsibility you take in this relationship. You deserve a lot of credit for the lengths you go to in order to provide your guy with ongoing companionship and are so adaptable, perceptive, and giving. He's so lucky to have you.

    I wonder, though, why do you think he loves you, and is it important to you that he does? I only ask, because for all your mental clarity, I feel that on this point you may be a little irrational ..You know that sociopaths can't love and don't value people, right? Because they can't feel properly; they are alexithemic and lacking in emotional self awareness. Its not your fault.

    I wonder, if you fully embraced the fact that he does these awful things because he doesn't value you, would you feel less hurt when he doesn't provide you with love, or would the relationship lose meaning for you?

    Its just an idea, but perhaps its better to focus less on what he might feel or not feel , and think about whether the relationship is good for you overall? Are you thriving, or slowly crumbling without realizing it? How is your self worth- does he inspire you to be your best? Or is he just making you feel that your best is without value?

    I think sometimes think about the relationship Michael Jackson has with his father. Jo's sparing praise and abuse inspired Michael to be his best, and his best enabled Michael to become famous and wealthy. But Michael was always in pain. He died because of it. I wonder if the key to these symbiotic realtionships is to somehow embrace that you are worth something, no matter what the sociopath thinks or doesn't feel. But your desire to please him will take you to great heights. is it possible to have both realities coexist in your mind?

    1. I really appreciate your thoughts, they have given me a lot to think about over the last few days. I think you are right, if I changed my expectation a little, I may feel less hurt when he does things that I used to perceive as against me. He does say all the time that there are things that have nothing to do with me that I need to just leave alone. I'm sure that has something to do with it as well.

      Also, our thought son MJ are right on the money. There comes a point, even in success where we have to stop living by someone else's expectation or in this case a non expectation as a means to our life.

      Again, love your thoughts. Hope we can chat more about this.