Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Why a Socio Will Always Cheat

Remember my Sociopath friend, N? We had an interesting email exchange not too long ago. He sent me a link to an article that he knew I would like and we started an exchange about Socios and why they cheat on their partners. Here's what went down.

Empath Queen:
Do you do it because you get bored? Do you remember having the conversation with me when I said that I would be ok with my husband/boyfriend sleeping with other people as long as he was using a condom and not potentially bringing a disease home to me and not creating relationships with these people? Just sex. Nothing else. I am reading that a lot of ASPD/Socio/Narc seem to think this is a great idea, however, they say they would still rather pretend to be exclusive with each of the people they are in a "relationship" with. That's interesting...even when given a way out of monogamy, they would still prefer to live the lie.


I think some of it is boredom. In large part it's sincere though - I just get strong impulses and crave sex from a particular woman I may have discarded or at least put on the backburner. Sometimes they give it to me, sometimes they don't.

The impulse can last for a few minutes to a few weeks.

Also ASPD and sociopathy aren't synonymous.

In fact, I'm still not even clear on the division between sociopathy and psychopathy... in DSM-IV they're synonymous but the DSM is generally acknowledged as crap. Mixed usage among other resources

I see what you're saying, but that's probably not the way a sociopath would see it. It's about dominance and control - "I" can cheat and fuck whoever I want, but my partner can't

Also the "open relationship" you're describing sounds nice. No doubt if a woman would offer me that, I would probably stay with her (assuming she interests and attracts me otherwise of course) for a long time.

But you can't put much faith in the sustainability of that. A real psychopath isn't going to care about the caveats (wear a condom; don't form a relationship; etc.)

They may tell you they are abiding by the rules, but at the end of the day, psychopaths abhor rules and feel above them - no matter where the rules are coming from.
I think the thing to note here in all its fullness is that no matter what you do (myself included), there will never be monogamy in your relationship with your S. No matter how hard you or they try. Their impulse seems to always be stronger than any sort of attachment they may have to you. Just some food for though my dearies.
Oh, and just to clarify,  I don't think that socios/psychos/narcs and any other personality disorder are the same thing. I just find that the traits overlap to some extent so I tend to group them together from time to time when talking about a topic that I see overlapping in each disorder.


  1. It just comes down to the fact that ALL men have evolved to want to fuck as many different women as possible. Monogamy is non-existant in nature (no, not even penguins, swans...). Socios and psychopaths simply think that if their partner doesn't find out then the overall happiness of all involved goes up, so it is entirely logical and justified to cheat.

    1. I couldn't agree with you more, those are my thoughts exactly. Interesting that they want complete monogamy from their partner anyway.

  2. The evolved behaviour is to reproduce lots. If my partner fucked around then not only would i look bad to other people if they found out, but any offspring may not be mine.

    1. Agreed, you would look bad and I would look bad if I told anyone. Which is why I would never call up my mother and tell her about my S and his cheating. But that really has nothing to do with cheating or sociopathy to me. I think in general a relationship should stay between the two people in it. It's when you involve others that things get murky. Others are not as willing to forgive or forget the things your significant other may have done.

  3. Personally, I enjoy long-term relationships a great deal and can certainly "keep the fire alive" long past the infatuation stage with someone who is generally useful to me. I've been with my current partner for some 4 years. I expect that she'll be by my side until I die.

    Because she's useful, and knows her place in my world.

    I don't enter into monogamous relationships anymore. If I did, I'm sure I would cheat, and that was the case in the past. One person can never give me everything I want, and if someone wants to have a long-term relationship with me, they need to accept and appreciate that 100%. Someone telling you that you can't have what you want for some arbitrary reason? That's just silly. Now, STI's on the other hand... this isn't about anyone but me. I'm smart enough not to want an STI and to control my base impulses enough to have not gotten one despite 30 years and likely over 100 partners. Mostly bareback, too. A solid handful of unwanted pregnancies. No STIs, though!

    I also identify as polyamorous and pansexual. It's been said that ambiguous sexuality is a key identifier of a sociopath, and I believe it. I've never met a sociopath who was heterosexual, nor one who was homosexual.

    1. Your comments are thought provoking. My S will never openly admit to being anything but a heterosexual...I think mostly to protect an image because he is enamored with sex so much that I don't see how he could be opposed to sex with other men.

      How is it that you are able to keep things going past the infatuation stage? What is it about this particular girl that you have been able to stay with her for this long?